tricksters_queen: Beautiful picture, which looks very much like it's title "darkest night", makes me think of dark dreams. (darkest night)
We're finally getting a cold snap. It's coming at a bloody dreadful time - tomorrow morning, way too early, we get to go to a graveyard. And it's supposed to be frelling freezing. A little below, actually, at the time we're going to be there. I despise the cold.
tricksters_queen: Waxing poetic about love and pain - of which I have much of the former and little of the latter.  ::shrugs:: (save me)
"God rest ye, merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay! Remember Christ our savior was born on Christmas day to save us all from satan's power when we were gone astray...Oh, tidings of comfort and joy - comfort and joy! Oh, tidings of comfort and joy!"

"It's a long way home, and all I see is darkness - an angel in a dark dress - don't you leave me here. It's a long way home, and all I see is darkness - I'm in a sea of darkness, so don't you leave me here!"

I'm swinging back and forth between being crazy-happy about the holidays and such, and crashing down wondering what the f**k I'm going to do with myself. I've been out Christmas shopping, and it's all done (except for the dog and some candy for stockings). I have yet to manage to finish trimming the tree. I mean, there are ornaments on it, but not all of them are up yet. I also haven't actually wrapped any of the presents I've purchased. It's like "Yay, Christmas! I have presents for people!", but the idea of wrapping those presents is...exhausting? I don't know. I am so glad that I have tomorrow off, and that I get a day off next week, too. My plan is to wrap stuff. I would very much like to not fall apart when I do so.

I miss my mom.
tricksters_queen: Waxing poetic about love and pain - of which I have much of the former and little of the latter.  ::shrugs:: (save me)
My mom passed away yesterday (Monday) at 3:17pm.

I am...curiously calm. It took a week for things to really sink in for me when my aunt Lil died last year, so I suspect that this is similar.

I do not recall what I posted on here about my mom, but she had cancer. Ironically, the cancer is not what killed her - she died because of respiratory failure. The hospital had done everything they could for her, so we brought her home with hospice care. It was peaceful and painless, and she had her family around her.

She was the strongest person I ever knew. Mom had an iron will, too. We almost lost her Saturday night, but she pulled through. We told her that my brother was driving up from FL, and she waited for him. He got to talk to her for a while. She wasn't responsive, but hearing still works in a comatose state. I kid you not, she only passed on about an hour after my brother said his goodbye (my dad and I had all ready done so). I know that she is in a better place now, and that she's with her brothers and sisters.

It has been a long couple of weeks, and a particularly long weekend. I am looking forward to some real rest, assuming that it comes. And my husband is awesome. I have good news, too, but I am really in no mood to share it - I'll post again soon. </3

Alas

Feb. 21st, 2011 01:47 pm
tricksters_queen: (Default)
I have yet to have obtained gainful employment. Alas. ::laughter::
On the other hand, I did get a couple of new leads on possible jobs, so keep your fingers crossed. I sure am. ::laughter::

As of yet, I am not anxiety-ridden or even all that upset about my lack of employment. Unemployment will cover my bills, so we'll survive, assuming I can find a position in the near future. Hunting for one sucks, though. ::laughter:: It really, really does. I have always hated job searching. It's crazy stressful, and constantly makes you wonder why you either seem to be over or under qualified for any position you happen to lay eyes on. :p I just got two e-mails at the end of last week explaining both of those, one for each. What the frell. At least the one I was over qualified for bothered to tell me that I interviewed very well! ::laughter:: Have to look at the positive, or drown. Swimming can be tiring, but it's better than being dead!

I'm afraid that I don't have much good news on the home front, either. My mom was diagnosed with Stage II lung cancer. She'll be going through her third chemo regiment this week - half way through. The cancer is responding, which is good, but she's got complications, which is really bad. And scary. She has a blood clot. The meds to help dissolve it are expensive as all get out. AFTER insurance and Medicare, it's $1,700/mo. Which is insane. Who the bloody hell can afford that shit? My parents are looking into medical aid. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for them, too. My dad's kind of freaking out. Mom tries to pass off everything like it's no big deal, but my dad...he's just in an awful place right now.

So, for news that isn't really depressing and stressful... Let me see...
Oh, right! :) I ran my first ever game of D&D (well, Pathfinder) on Friday! :) It went decently, considering... ::laughter:: One of my players was too sick to show up, and another had to leave a little early, so we didn't get terribly far. Still, those that were able to join for a while seemed to have fun, which is kind of the point. And I have a week to shore up the second half of what I was planning for them to go through last Friday for this Friday instead, which makes me happy, because I wasn't as comfortable with the second half. NPC's are...interesting. ::laughter:: Speaking of which, I think I'm going to get to some of that writing I need to get done.
tricksters_queen: Beautiful picture, which looks very much like it's title "darkest night", makes me think of dark dreams. (darkest night)
This tends to be a bit of a problem when I'm at work. It makes me slow, and I find it difficult to concentrate, or process (or retain) information.
I'm tired, my eyes are stinging and itchy, and I want to curl up into a ball and freak out under covers until everyone goes away and leaves me alone. I fear, however, that this would actually be very bad for me.

I'm under a lot of stress (professional and personal), and my anxiety is up. I think I'm slipping into a minor depression. To combat this, I've made a point of making plans this week with other people to keep myself social, and I've been going to work in spite of the fact that I really, really, don't want to deal with people. At All. I've also been taking two of my anti-anxiety herbal pills.

I really want MLK to get here. A long weekend away, with people I love (and who love me) & my husband sounds like a brilliant thing for my peace of mind. Maybe I should invest in some chicken soup. :p

Ugh

Dec. 30th, 2010 07:16 pm
tricksters_queen: Art by Amy Brown, who is one of my favorite artists (blue fairy)
My computer officially died, which is why I have not been on much at all of late. This effects fb more than this, usually, but still, I can't really post from work for more than a few seconds, so I usually don't bother to post from work at all.

I won't have a new computer until the first week in January, and that's if things go according to plan. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Had a good Christmas/Yule, looking forward to the New Year of 2011.

I'll do a better post after I have acquired my new computer.

Much love!
tricksters_queen: A line from "Book of Endings" by Adam Pascal - a song of his I really enjoy (book of endings)
So, I'm feeling better now than I was when I last posted. I was busy having a series of anxiety attacks, then.

So, we had a conference call. On Halloween. Needless to say, it was not because we had fabulous news. Two stores are closing. Ours will be the only one left after Christmas this year. All in all, I'm really grateful that I work in our store, and that I will still have a job.

I don't really know what to think about everything, because there are so many questions that we just don't have answers to right now. I'm much calmer about that than I was before. I'm sleeping better, which is good. Although there are huge ways in which this entire situation sucks, there is some good to come out of it. Our store has been holding up the company for years. We've carried, in the past, 5 locations. In the past year, we've been carrying 3. Next year, we will only have to carry ourselves, which we should be able to do without issue. The owner feels our chances of survival in the overall because of this decision are much better. In fact, he doesn't appear to be worried about our store at all.

Anyway. I've figured out how to breathe again. ::laughter:: So, yeah.
tricksters_queen: Beautiful picture, which looks very much like it's title "darkest night", makes me think of dark dreams. (darkest night)
I have begun to wonder if it's possible to be sad and empty, and so used to smiling and being happy, that it goes unnoticed.

I do not think I am actually sad, but Saturday... Saturday was not a good day. And it had no reason not to be. It was beautiful outside, the sky was gorgeous. I was heading over to hang out with some friends after work. The day was a little busy at work, but not crazy busy. And for some reason, I was incredibly unhappy. Just miserable. I had no idea why, it's like I'd just forgotten to be happy or something.

The Normal One shared with me a blurb he'd written up (like for the back of a book to get people to read it)... for my novella-length story that I wrote for handwithquill. ::laughter:: That actually cheered me up quite a bit, in fact. Changing into jeans after work did quite a bit to improve my mood as well...and then hanging out with friends did wonders. I had a nice glass of wine, fantastic food, and we roasted marshmellows and made s'mores. :D

But the fact that I don't exactly ever wind up unhappy without good reason to be unhappy makes me wonder what was wrong on Saturday. Was I just out of sorts? Have I forgotten how to be unhappy? ::laughter:: I don't think I've forgotten - that seems unlikely. Was I just paying more attention to some of the holes in my heart than usual? (I admit there was a moment or two on Friday night where I wasn't exactly doing well, either.)

Well, whatever the reason, I seem to be much improved. Both yesterday and today I've been my usual, cheerful self. And I'm looking forward to some of the adventures to come this month! :p


+ x-posted to puckish_rogue, with other details that don't go on this journal.
tricksters_queen: Art by Amy Brown, who is one of my favorite artists (blue fairy)
The sun won't always shine
just 'cause you're sheltered from the rain...
And anything worth anything
will never be the same...
You can write a brand new chapter,
but you'll never change the end...

So twist one more, although I know you'll break me...
Just be sure that I'm still in the game.
As long as I forever keep on twisting, evade the pain...
Evade the pain...
Evade the pain...
Evade the pain...

A song by Budapest, Evade The Pain

We used up all we had,
deviated from the plan...and things weren't working out
as we'd all hoped
The timing was right,
but it all ended with a fight...the band wanted out
and so did I.
Just let me go on,
Just give me one more song...
if it sucks we all go home,
if not we sing along...

(And now we know why they call it the bitter end...)

A song by Seabird, Let Me Go On

Yeah. These are the two best songs for me to listen to while I'm typing up the twins. Ouch. (Just give me one more night, I swear I'll make it right... If it hurts, we all go home - if not, we get along...)

You know, I'd forgotten how frighteningly lonely the twins were. Jaslyna and Jetite are Just. So. Broken.
They love well enough, but they have little contact with anyone outside each other. And, you know, Kyle's gotta leave them.
tricksters_queen: Art by Amy Brown, who is one of my favorite artists (blue fairy)
Okay, so today I woke up and I was in a really fantastic, happy mood. No reason, just kind of normal for me, I guess.


Then I went to lunch, where a friend of mine who really doesn't like hugs or touching and the like got a hug from one of his co-workers because he was out of work for quite a while recently, and she had missed him. I was very happy to see him recently, too, but did not hug him because I know he doesn't like it. So I saw this, and asked "Does that mean I can hug you too?" "No."

He informed me that he was jesting, but for some reason, that really didn't help. I went outside and cried. Which leaves me feeling a bit idiotic, 'cause I'm pretty damn sure he had no intention of hurting my feelings.

This leads me to believe that I am, perhaps, being completely emotionally irrational today. Which is stupid, but not something I seem to be capable of doing anything about at the moment.

Besides which...crows. That just really f*****g hurt.

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