tricksters_queen: Art by Amy Brown, who is one of my favorite artists (blue fairy)
That's what I titled my 2nd grief cd. Alas, that I stole the "Love, Loss, Hope, Repeat" part straight off of a song by the same title, which is, at least, on the cd.

I don't think I posted about the first grief cd I made for myself, but it has songs on it like Christina Aguilera's "Hurt", Bon Jovi's "Everybody's Broken", and "Believe" by The Bravery. It's depressing.

My newer cd is depressing in several ways, too, don't get me wrong...but it has a lot more faith-based music on it, which is comforting. Not to mention Cher singing "You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me", which is downright tenacious. It's also got Dido's "See The Sun", and The Beatles' "Let It Be", All-American Rejects' "Move Along", "I Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot, "All Of This" by Erin O'Donnell, Lifehouse's "Broken" and "Breathe", dc Talk's "Between You And Me", "Love, Loss, Hope, Repeat" by Carbon Leaf, and "He Lives In You" from Return To Pride Rock.

I am not now, nor do I really think I have ever been, religious. That's not the same thing - in my estimation, at least - as not being spiritual, or not having faith. I don't really care if I have a faith-based community surrounding me, which is just as well, seeing as I'd be hard pressed to find one that thinks like I do, anyway. The sense of being connected to something bigger, to everything around me, actually, is...I don't know...obvious, to me?

That doesn't mean I don't believe in Evolution, mind you. In my mind, science and faith don't fight each other, they are part of the same system. "God spoke" = "The Big Bang", I guess you could say. We'll call that analogy a work-in-progress, as is my life. I live, I learn, I make changes to the way I view things and what I believe in.

When I was working out the plans for my wedding, my mom was originally upset that I wanted to get married outside. She asked, was I sure I didn't want to get married in a church? She had always felt a stronger connection to God when she was in a church. I replied, quite straight-forward, that it was great that church worked for her, but I had always - all my life - felt a much stronger connection to God when I was outside, in the world God created. That had been enough to put an end to something that could have been a stupid argument.

Buildings are stone, wrought from the Earth, but in comparison to the grass, and trees, and flora, they are little more than lifeless. A building is, I suppose, what you make of it. Christianity has made the church to be the house of God; I think God's house is anywhere and everywhere. It's wherever you need it to be if you need to talk.

I used to talk to God with greater frequency. I'd monologue, and just get everything off my chest. I don't exactly do much of that anymore. As I've gotten older, I've kind of come to the conclusion that God likely has more important things to take care of than whatever my petty problems are. I'm aware that in comparison to what is going on in the world, my problems are small. I can handle them...even if I wish I didn't have to. It's part of growing up, of being an adult (and Highones, how I hate it). That doesn't mean I never talk. That doesn't mean I don't think I'd be listened to, if I did so more often. I just feel that if it's a burden I can deal with on my own, then there's little need to ask anyone else to interfere, deities included.

I like going to Grief Group. I like having other people that I can talk to, listen to, use as a sounding board for my grief. There are days when it's hard not to let it swallow me whole. It's difficult, and it's dark, and it frelling hurts - just to breathe - and I hate it. I find myself more irritated with customers more easily, and I have to work more to hide it than I used to. Sometimes smiling is a real stretch. I feel more cut-off and disconnected, like I'm somewhere that's hard for others to reach. It's exhausting. My body hurts, my mind races, or shuts down, I'm tired more often than not, and in a way that sleeping doesn't help with, my muscles get sore enough that I don't want to move. Gloomy days with grey skies are the worst, because convincing myself to move in the morning is problematic enough without the lack of light.

Grieving is a freaking full-time job that pays nothing and the benefits are shit - at least in the short-term. It takes up too much time, and energy, and concentration...and I don't like knowing that I'll never be the person I was before ever again when it's "done". Grief is not something that a person gets over. It is something that a person works through. It is a lifelong process. And doesn't that just suck.

I'm naturally cheerful, optimistic, I look at what's good rather than what's bad, and that hasn't exactly changed. I've never really known how to be "not happy", so I'm not very good at it. It's always been easier - to me, at least - to wear a smile and be in a good mood. It's probably what's kept me young. I'm looking forward to when the wounds are healed enough to enjoy more light-hearted days than heavy-hearted ones...but right now, I'm not sure if the majority of my "good" days are a bit more of me pretending I'm okay, or ignoring what's wrong than they are genuinely "good". After all, I work at a full-time job, and I can't be "not okay" at work all day, every day. Falling apart on the job is not usually considered acceptable.

I think I might need a little more time to myself. Perhaps closeting myself away in my bedroom would not be such a bad idea, after all. It's been 8 months. So close to a year. I don't even know where the time went. What did I do in that time? How much have I actually healed? Where have I been? Am I any better? Some days, yes, some days, no. The fluctuation really gets to me, especially if I've had a run of better days, and then I get smacked with a really bad one. The holidays were hard. Not the days themselves, actually, but the days after. Apparently, feeling guilty for having a good time after having lost a loved one is a fairly normal thing people go through. I have yet to have felt guilt over such a thing. I just have days where the loss is more obvious and I miss my mom more, and days were the loss is less (and I still miss my mom).

I miss my mom.
tricksters_queen: (Default)
But every time I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue
I'm permanently blue for you...

::laughter:: I adore this song by Chairlift. ::tips a hat to The Chef::

I have actually been wanting to post for a bit, but my access to the internet has been somewhat impeded. Anyway. :) I am here now, right? ::laughter::

I did manage to finish the re-write of scene seven. Go me! ::laughter:: I'm working on the eighth scene, but I've printed out nine as well, which is more of a segue between scenes, and I'm thinking that I might actually meld the two into one. I'm not sure, though. The scene I have as the tenth is mostly... out of place in the newly re-written version, I think. I'm not sure what to do with it, or if I should even try to work it in still. There are a few ideas in it that I think are still necessary for the story to be understood, but I'm thinking I might need to take those elements from the scene, scrap it, and then work them back in in other places or in other ways. I'm sure that I can get the ideas across in other scenes that will better serve the plot.

I've got to work in Tani's odd & random insecurities. I've got to work in how frelling meddling V is. I need to show just how much Amadon hates saying no to his wife and daughter - and just how unhappy he is that Obrey wants to court the latter. And I need to throw more stuff in the way of Obrey and Tani getting to be together, and happily so. ::laughter:: Though, admittedly, their parents are a fairly substantial obstacle!

You know, it's very strange. Though, given the people involved, I tend to think of the stories I'm writing as sci-fi/fantasy. Honestly, though, they would totally fit in with the romance section, minus the smut. I find that almost...irritating. ::laughter::

In other news, I have started reading Riordan's new IR series The Kane Chronicles, which features the Egyptian pantheon. I have a special place in my heart for the gods of Egypt, because they were, in fact, the first pantheon that I really became obsessed about. Sadly, my information about the Greek gods is now far greater, as they have a proper trickster in their midst. ::laughter:: Poor Set got a bad rap, but I suppose as the god of chaos, that's bound to happen. The Egyptian gods are a very...serious breed. ::laughter:: So I have a special love for them, but tend to be somewhat annoyed by them, as well. ::shrugs:: And, weirdly, my favorite among them is not the "trickster" character, Set...nor is it the queen, Isis, whom I have a necklace (that I happen to be ridiculously fond of).

Nope. My favorite god in the Egyptian pantheon is totally Anubis, the jackal-headed god. He guards the gates of eternity, and weighs the hearts of those who have passed on against the feather of truth to judge if they are worthy of the afterlife or not. Highones help you if you're not, by the way. The devourer of hearts would eat yours and you would cease to exist - no happy soul's afterlife for you. The Egyptians took death very seriously, because living was really quite important to them. Anyway. Anubis = freaking awesome in my book. Which is not, by the way, the book of life or the book of the dead. ;)

All of this to say that I'm enjoying the book so far. And I'm figuring out what to do with my own. I'm really waiting for some feedback from my beta-readers. :)


tricksters_queen: (Default)

August 2012

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