tricksters_queen: Waxing poetic about love and pain - of which I have much of the former and little of the latter.  ::shrugs:: (save me)
I used to remember my dreams quite vividly. In my highschool years, most especially during the Summer months when I had little better to do, I kept a dream journal and when I woke up I would write everything down that I could remember. Some of the dreams were off the wall, a lot of them featured Puck (big surprise), and some were my life - as in, actually my life.

I stopped writing down my dreams when I found myself without enough time to worry about it in the mornings. I proceeded to stop remembering my dreams so vividly. This is hardly surprising, it's what happens, for the most part. From time to time I wake up with a vivid feeling from my dreams, but I often do not recall anything about the dream or why I feel that way (sometimes very happy, other times like I'm about to fall apart).

Recently, I have been dreaming pretty actively. This week alone I have actually recalled bits and pieces of my dreams. Mostly, that my mother has been featured in them. She always looks the way she did before she got sick, and even in my dreams, when I look at her, I'm aware that I must be dreaming because I see her and my dream-self thinks she's gone. It doesn't stop me from being happy to see her. I have...mixed feelings about it when I wake up. It's not quite like the shock of waking up to feel the loss all over again because, as I said, even in the dream I'm aware that she's passed on...but though it's comforting to think that she's still with me, it's...a little depressing, too. I guess it does kind of force me to deal with the concept of her loss. I'm not sure I care for that too much, as I don't really think I've been pushing it away to begin with.

In any event, in the dream I can recall with the most clarity, she's come early to a concert that I'm in at school (because in the dream I am back in highschool again) to drop me off, and she's just sticking around and getting a seat to stay and watch. Mom and dad were always there to see me in whatever I was doing - concerts, plays, competitions. I think it's her way of saying she's still there for me, still supports me in what I want to do.

The other thing about this dream is (Highones help me), Glee club. ::laughter:: I like the show Glee, mostly because I know for a fact that had I been aware of a Glee club when I was in highschool, I totally would have been there. Seriously, anything that gave me more of a reason to be on a stage. Which, I think, is my subconscious trying to tell me that I really miss being on a stage, that I miss performing and being in front of a crowd. That I miss music. I'm...thinking about it. I'm not quite sure what I want to do at the moment, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.


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August 2012

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