tricksters_queen: Waxing poetic about love and pain - of which I have much of the former and little of the latter.  ::shrugs:: (save me)
I used to remember my dreams quite vividly. In my highschool years, most especially during the Summer months when I had little better to do, I kept a dream journal and when I woke up I would write everything down that I could remember. Some of the dreams were off the wall, a lot of them featured Puck (big surprise), and some were my life - as in, actually my life.

I stopped writing down my dreams when I found myself without enough time to worry about it in the mornings. I proceeded to stop remembering my dreams so vividly. This is hardly surprising, it's what happens, for the most part. From time to time I wake up with a vivid feeling from my dreams, but I often do not recall anything about the dream or why I feel that way (sometimes very happy, other times like I'm about to fall apart).

Recently, I have been dreaming pretty actively. This week alone I have actually recalled bits and pieces of my dreams. Mostly, that my mother has been featured in them. She always looks the way she did before she got sick, and even in my dreams, when I look at her, I'm aware that I must be dreaming because I see her and my dream-self thinks she's gone. It doesn't stop me from being happy to see her. I have...mixed feelings about it when I wake up. It's not quite like the shock of waking up to feel the loss all over again because, as I said, even in the dream I'm aware that she's passed on...but though it's comforting to think that she's still with me, it's...a little depressing, too. I guess it does kind of force me to deal with the concept of her loss. I'm not sure I care for that too much, as I don't really think I've been pushing it away to begin with.

In any event, in the dream I can recall with the most clarity, she's come early to a concert that I'm in at school (because in the dream I am back in highschool again) to drop me off, and she's just sticking around and getting a seat to stay and watch. Mom and dad were always there to see me in whatever I was doing - concerts, plays, competitions. I think it's her way of saying she's still there for me, still supports me in what I want to do.

The other thing about this dream is (Highones help me), Glee club. ::laughter:: I like the show Glee, mostly because I know for a fact that had I been aware of a Glee club when I was in highschool, I totally would have been there. Seriously, anything that gave me more of a reason to be on a stage. Which, I think, is my subconscious trying to tell me that I really miss being on a stage, that I miss performing and being in front of a crowd. That I miss music. I'm...thinking about it. I'm not quite sure what I want to do at the moment, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.

A Good Day

Sep. 27th, 2011 09:13 pm
tricksters_queen: Flair I made (Shakespeare)
It's been a good day.

I'm off for three days in a row this week - huzzah for Jewish holidays when I work for a Jewish-run company!

My mini-vacation started today, and I did very little that might be construed as constructive. ::laughter:: Which is pretty much what I wanted to do today. I've been finding music, and paying attention to lyrics, and working on my "assignment" for my next music therapy session, which is next Monday, but I didn't do anything around the house. :p Tomorrow, I'm hanging out with a friend. Thursday... I don't know exactly what I'll do on Thursday yet. Friday is the usual group get-together. :)

I'm excited because on Saturday I have a concert to go to, and next weekend, I get to go to the Ren Faire again, which I wasn't at all sure I'd get to do. :) It'll be a later start than usual, because my dad wants to see the joust, which is pretty much the last thing that goes on during the day. I need wine, and lip balm. ::laughter::
tricksters_queen: Taken at an Imogen Heap concert I went to (Lifeline)
It's been almost a month again. Heh, I'm not much of a blogger.

I'm working on mixed cds for a couple of my friends. I'm really proud of the one I finished - title and all. ::laughter:: I like alliteration, and it shows. (The title of the mixed cd I finished making is "Loki's Lexicon : The Lyrics of Legends and Liars". Lots of fun to come up with that, let me tell you! :) (The first cd had been titled "The Tricksters Tracks" - I wanted to keep both to the trickster theme and the alliteration thing.)

Anyway. Seeing a friend today that I haven't seen in months and we're doing lunch. I'm very happy about this. :) I'm obviously having fun with music of late - I'll get into that more later. :) Mostly I just wanted to get on here, though! ::laughter::

I'm doing very well today. I've been doing some writing...though much of that has been character descriptions. And I'm really stuck on the music thing. Which is good. Music is good. I need to sing more again. I've asked my husband for a keyboard for our anniversary...given how expensive they tend to be (at least what I'm looking for), I told him he wouldn't have to worry about another gift for me for anything until our anniversary in 2013! I don't know if he likes that part much, but I mean, really. It's a lot of money.
tricksters_queen: (foxgloves)
Okay, I have some time and the inclination to post. At the same time even!

Last weekend was good. I saw One Day with a couple of friends on Friday - predictable, but enjoyable, and I like Anne Hathaway. She, along with the idea of watching two people on the same day throughout different years of their lives were the two reasons I wanted to go see a Romantic Drama, because I'm not usually up for those. It made me cry - and that had rather little enough to do with the movie. I've got good friends, though, and it was probably a good thing for me.

Sunday, a couple of friends, my dad and I all headed up to NYC for the day! We went and saw another friend of ours in her production of A Midsummer Night's Dream! (Come, now, you're not even the least bit surprised by that, are you.) ::laughter:: It was a great time, and Puck and I got our picture taken with Puck. :) Fanatic that I am, I was also wearing my Puck shirt, so yeah. Funnily enough, since our friend had warned the girl that was playing Puck that I was coming (well, not me specifically, just a friend of hers that was really enamored of Puck), she wasn't even disturbed by my fanaticism, which was nice. (I think I might have kind of freaked out the guy playing Puck from the Wilmington Drama League a few months back...) ::laughter:: Anyway, had some good food and enjoyed the play, got to see our friend...and we had an adventure (that we could have done without!) on the way home. Our train stopped for a bit over an hour. There was "police activity" at one of the stations ahead of us on our way home. Speculation by another passenger who rode frequently was that "police activity" meant a jumper; I don't know, but I rather hope not. ::shakes head:: Not much of a pleasant thought for that.

I don't recall if I've mentioned before, but Dad and I have been going to grief counseling. We were doing private sessions for a few weeks, and now we're doing a twice-monthly group thing. I think it's a very good thing for us. It's a little weird for me being the only one who's not grieving the loss of my spouse, though. Well, okay, weird is not exactly the right word. It's just a rather different kind of loss. Still, I really like the other people in the group, and it's nice to have understanding and share stories and hear others' thoughts and feelings.

I'm not singing as much as I used to - even when I'm feeling really good. I'm listening to plenty of music, but I still feel as though I'm missing music. All I can think is that I miss singing, or playing music (on the piano), but I don't know...it's like I'm just not quite in the mood to sing. As for the piano...heh, well, that would require having one, which I no longer do. I think I'm going to save up for a while and get myself a nice keyboard - I'll have enough room for a keyboard, and they make some that are meant for piano players who don't have enough room, with weighted keys and everything. I'll have to look into it, because I'm apparently not much for singing of late.

Ah, and then there was the earthquake weirdness on Tuesday. What the frell? ::laughter:: Some people thought it was fun, others were terrified. Me? I was too startled to think much beyond "We're having an earthquake? What do you mean we're having an earthquake? We're in Delaware...we don't get earthquakes..." and the earthquake was over. It took me the better part of an hour to get a hold of my husband. Got through to my dad almost immediately, and he hadn't even felt it where he was. Just plain weird. And now we're going to have a hurricane. Yippie skippy. :p Lots of rain and wind. I'm going to...I have no idea what I'm going to do. Not work, apparently, though. ::laughter::
tricksters_queen: (Default)
Want to post, but need more time. Had a rather good weekend, will catch up hopefully tomorrow or Wednesday.
tricksters_queen: Waxing poetic about love and pain - of which I have much of the former and little of the latter.  ::shrugs:: (save me)
Yesterday was my mom's birthday. I was supposed to go to work, and wound up taking a sick/personal day because I fell apart instead.

I have had a reasonably crappy couple of weeks. It's not just dealing with my mother's death - which apparently happens in cycles - but also the loss of my absolute favorite place to hang out (Borders isn't closed yet, but I sure can't hang out there anymore without the cafe or any seating of any sort), worry about my friends (because I obviously know a lot of people who work there), and the fact that right now at work I only have one manager. So happens it's the manager I don't get along with as well as the others.

Unsurprisingly, I'm not dealing with stress as well as I usually do. It's disconcerting. And apparently, mom's birthday just...blew up my self control for holding together. ::sigh:: I'm feeling better today, though.

Got books unpacked - now I just need to put them in some semblance of order. Dad and I went to see Smurfs today. ::laughter:: I don't know if I'd suggest anyone go see it, as it really is for kids, but it's got NPH and it was cute, and silly, and it made me laugh. Laughing, especially lately, is a really, really good thing.

Looking forward to dinner tonight. I think I'm hungry... ::laughter:: I think I'm going to work on writing for a little bit while I'm waiting.
tricksters_queen: Waxing poetic about love and pain - of which I have much of the former and little of the latter.  ::shrugs:: (save me)
Solitude is where it tends to hit me really hard...
I keep myself in company, I'm keeping up my guard.
I turn my back and hide from what is standing right behind...

So twist one more although I know you'l break me
Just be sure that I'm still in the game
As long as I forever keep on twisting
Evade the pain...

I keep posting song lyrics, but it's not really music that I'm hearing in my head. I think I've figured out how I'm dealing with my grief...and I think I should probably look into some grief counseling after all. When I get frustrated or stressed, I just start screaming in my head. I suspect that may not be healthy, but admittedly, it does save my throat and voice the trouble of screaming out loud.

The small things are just more difficult for me to deal with: annoying customers, packing up the apartment, stupid things that normally wouldn't be bothering me. They get to me, and I just start mentally screaming. It's long, and loud, and honestly, keeping up with all the things I'm supposed to do is just...exhausting. I find myself tired after even a short or easy day of working. Packing has become so frustrating that I have taken to throwing things out just so I don't need to pack them after only working on things for about an hour. That's not entirely bad, actually - I have accumulated an awful lot of junk in the past four years. Throwing things away makes me feel better, weirdly.

Anyway, that's my (not terribly hyper-happy) post for today. I'm sure things will get better - once we're moved, I suspect a lot of my stress will be relieved. Maybe I'll stop screaming so much...
tricksters_queen: Beautiful picture, which looks very much like it's title "darkest night", makes me think of dark dreams. (darkest night)
I feel sick, I feel nervous, I know just what I did to deserve this...

A line from a David Cook song.

Today is not my best one, emotionally speaking, but it's not my worst, either. I just need to breathe.
tricksters_queen: A line from "Book of Endings" by Adam Pascal - a song of his I really enjoy (book of endings)
My mom's service was yesterday. I was exhausted by the time I finally got home, and it wasn't even all that late, but I wasn't sleepy. I stayed up and started reading a new book until around eleven or so, I think. Maybe later. My concept of time has always been poor, my current lack of enthusiasm has not helped things.

I am okay, I think. I was able to get up and read what I'd written down what I wanted to say about my mom. It was difficult, but I managed it. As terrible a reason as it was to get together, it was really good to see my family, too. I think I may be fully lacking the ability to fall into hysterics. I shed a few tears here and there, but I don't fall apart. I am noticeably lacking in my usual energy, but given even the slightest provocation, my general cheer surfaces. That's just as well, I guess. I've always found it difficult to stay unhappy for any length of time.

Anyway. I ended my last post with the information that I had good news I wasn't in the mood to share. I feel more like sharing it, now, so here goes: I got my job at Robbins' Diamonds back.

Crazy, seeing as I'd been laid off, right? I'm not going to go into the details online here, but it's a good thing. I'm happy to be back. And it gives me something to do, too, which is probably really good right now.
tricksters_queen: Waxing poetic about love and pain - of which I have much of the former and little of the latter.  ::shrugs:: (save me)
My mom passed away yesterday (Monday) at 3:17pm.

I am...curiously calm. It took a week for things to really sink in for me when my aunt Lil died last year, so I suspect that this is similar.

I do not recall what I posted on here about my mom, but she had cancer. Ironically, the cancer is not what killed her - she died because of respiratory failure. The hospital had done everything they could for her, so we brought her home with hospice care. It was peaceful and painless, and she had her family around her.

She was the strongest person I ever knew. Mom had an iron will, too. We almost lost her Saturday night, but she pulled through. We told her that my brother was driving up from FL, and she waited for him. He got to talk to her for a while. She wasn't responsive, but hearing still works in a comatose state. I kid you not, she only passed on about an hour after my brother said his goodbye (my dad and I had all ready done so). I know that she is in a better place now, and that she's with her brothers and sisters.

It has been a long couple of weeks, and a particularly long weekend. I am looking forward to some real rest, assuming that it comes. And my husband is awesome. I have good news, too, but I am really in no mood to share it - I'll post again soon. </3

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