tricksters_queen: (forests of Avalon)
I was hoping for once a week. Apparently I am bad at this. I am unsure exactly how I am doing at the moment, but I am alive...and feeling better than I was at lunch. Tonight's plan is pretty simple : people watching at the mall...where I also hope to find bath & bodyworks with things I want. I have a coupon, after all, and I would love to use it. :)
tricksters_queen: Beautiful picture, which looks very much like it's title "darkest night", makes me think of dark dreams. (darkest night)
I wanted to post today...but I do not even know where to begin. Feeling like I might have more than a few minutes of alone time might help. I am lost, and I am tired, and I think...being told to grow up means that he just thinks I am crazy.

I have always joked about it. After all, it is not like I run into anyone else who really thinks the way I do, who views the world the way that I do. I cut out a large part of my soul once before. Funny thing about souls. Given time, they'll grow back. They tend to be tenacious like that. I really was hoping I would not be asked to do it again. I stopped writing the last time I did it. Of course, I have not written anything in months now, anyway, so how different would that be at this point...except that I remember that I enjoy writing...or I did, at any rate. I miss it. I just...can not seem to start. No writing, no singing, no piano. I think I may be dying, except that I keep doing everything else, like breathing. Souls can wither away, too. I still have a long time to live, being dead. That does not seem like the best plan.

Maybe I am crazy...but I was happy, too. I want to be happy again. I'm just so tired...
tricksters_queen: A line from "Book of Endings" by Adam Pascal - a song of his I really enjoy (book of endings)
I have not typed up a post in a while. Obviously. I am not taking much time to do so right now, either...but I plan to post soon. I have a lot to talk about, and not the time to delve into it. So I will be back, I promise. I have been doing well with writing in my journal practically every day, so I should be able to get into the habit of doing this at least once a week.

Yeah, that is literally what this short little blurb is about. See you soon.
tricksters_queen: Art by Amy Brown, who is one of my favorite artists (blue fairy)
That's what I titled my 2nd grief cd. Alas, that I stole the "Love, Loss, Hope, Repeat" part straight off of a song by the same title, which is, at least, on the cd.

I don't think I posted about the first grief cd I made for myself, but it has songs on it like Christina Aguilera's "Hurt", Bon Jovi's "Everybody's Broken", and "Believe" by The Bravery. It's depressing.

My newer cd is depressing in several ways, too, don't get me wrong...but it has a lot more faith-based music on it, which is comforting. Not to mention Cher singing "You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me", which is downright tenacious. It's also got Dido's "See The Sun", and The Beatles' "Let It Be", All-American Rejects' "Move Along", "I Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot, "All Of This" by Erin O'Donnell, Lifehouse's "Broken" and "Breathe", dc Talk's "Between You And Me", "Love, Loss, Hope, Repeat" by Carbon Leaf, and "He Lives In You" from Return To Pride Rock.

I am not now, nor do I really think I have ever been, religious. That's not the same thing - in my estimation, at least - as not being spiritual, or not having faith. I don't really care if I have a faith-based community surrounding me, which is just as well, seeing as I'd be hard pressed to find one that thinks like I do, anyway. The sense of being connected to something bigger, to everything around me, actually, is...I don't know...obvious, to me?

That doesn't mean I don't believe in Evolution, mind you. In my mind, science and faith don't fight each other, they are part of the same system. "God spoke" = "The Big Bang", I guess you could say. We'll call that analogy a work-in-progress, as is my life. I live, I learn, I make changes to the way I view things and what I believe in.

When I was working out the plans for my wedding, my mom was originally upset that I wanted to get married outside. She asked, was I sure I didn't want to get married in a church? She had always felt a stronger connection to God when she was in a church. I replied, quite straight-forward, that it was great that church worked for her, but I had always - all my life - felt a much stronger connection to God when I was outside, in the world God created. That had been enough to put an end to something that could have been a stupid argument.

Buildings are stone, wrought from the Earth, but in comparison to the grass, and trees, and flora, they are little more than lifeless. A building is, I suppose, what you make of it. Christianity has made the church to be the house of God; I think God's house is anywhere and everywhere. It's wherever you need it to be if you need to talk.

I used to talk to God with greater frequency. I'd monologue, and just get everything off my chest. I don't exactly do much of that anymore. As I've gotten older, I've kind of come to the conclusion that God likely has more important things to take care of than whatever my petty problems are. I'm aware that in comparison to what is going on in the world, my problems are small. I can handle them...even if I wish I didn't have to. It's part of growing up, of being an adult (and Highones, how I hate it). That doesn't mean I never talk. That doesn't mean I don't think I'd be listened to, if I did so more often. I just feel that if it's a burden I can deal with on my own, then there's little need to ask anyone else to interfere, deities included.

I like going to Grief Group. I like having other people that I can talk to, listen to, use as a sounding board for my grief. There are days when it's hard not to let it swallow me whole. It's difficult, and it's dark, and it frelling hurts - just to breathe - and I hate it. I find myself more irritated with customers more easily, and I have to work more to hide it than I used to. Sometimes smiling is a real stretch. I feel more cut-off and disconnected, like I'm somewhere that's hard for others to reach. It's exhausting. My body hurts, my mind races, or shuts down, I'm tired more often than not, and in a way that sleeping doesn't help with, my muscles get sore enough that I don't want to move. Gloomy days with grey skies are the worst, because convincing myself to move in the morning is problematic enough without the lack of light.

Grieving is a freaking full-time job that pays nothing and the benefits are shit - at least in the short-term. It takes up too much time, and energy, and concentration...and I don't like knowing that I'll never be the person I was before ever again when it's "done". Grief is not something that a person gets over. It is something that a person works through. It is a lifelong process. And doesn't that just suck.

I'm naturally cheerful, optimistic, I look at what's good rather than what's bad, and that hasn't exactly changed. I've never really known how to be "not happy", so I'm not very good at it. It's always been easier - to me, at least - to wear a smile and be in a good mood. It's probably what's kept me young. I'm looking forward to when the wounds are healed enough to enjoy more light-hearted days than heavy-hearted ones...but right now, I'm not sure if the majority of my "good" days are a bit more of me pretending I'm okay, or ignoring what's wrong than they are genuinely "good". After all, I work at a full-time job, and I can't be "not okay" at work all day, every day. Falling apart on the job is not usually considered acceptable.

I think I might need a little more time to myself. Perhaps closeting myself away in my bedroom would not be such a bad idea, after all. It's been 8 months. So close to a year. I don't even know where the time went. What did I do in that time? How much have I actually healed? Where have I been? Am I any better? Some days, yes, some days, no. The fluctuation really gets to me, especially if I've had a run of better days, and then I get smacked with a really bad one. The holidays were hard. Not the days themselves, actually, but the days after. Apparently, feeling guilty for having a good time after having lost a loved one is a fairly normal thing people go through. I have yet to have felt guilt over such a thing. I just have days where the loss is more obvious and I miss my mom more, and days were the loss is less (and I still miss my mom).

I miss my mom.
tricksters_queen: Beautiful picture, which looks very much like it's title "darkest night", makes me think of dark dreams. (darkest night)
We're finally getting a cold snap. It's coming at a bloody dreadful time - tomorrow morning, way too early, we get to go to a graveyard. And it's supposed to be frelling freezing. A little below, actually, at the time we're going to be there. I despise the cold.
tricksters_queen: Waxing poetic about love and pain - of which I have much of the former and little of the latter.  ::shrugs:: (save me)
"God rest ye, merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay! Remember Christ our savior was born on Christmas day to save us all from satan's power when we were gone astray...Oh, tidings of comfort and joy - comfort and joy! Oh, tidings of comfort and joy!"

"It's a long way home, and all I see is darkness - an angel in a dark dress - don't you leave me here. It's a long way home, and all I see is darkness - I'm in a sea of darkness, so don't you leave me here!"

I'm swinging back and forth between being crazy-happy about the holidays and such, and crashing down wondering what the f**k I'm going to do with myself. I've been out Christmas shopping, and it's all done (except for the dog and some candy for stockings). I have yet to manage to finish trimming the tree. I mean, there are ornaments on it, but not all of them are up yet. I also haven't actually wrapped any of the presents I've purchased. It's like "Yay, Christmas! I have presents for people!", but the idea of wrapping those presents is...exhausting? I don't know. I am so glad that I have tomorrow off, and that I get a day off next week, too. My plan is to wrap stuff. I would very much like to not fall apart when I do so.

I miss my mom.
tricksters_queen: Flair I made (Shakespeare)
You know that scene I mentioned briefly that took over my brain? It is still there, and boldly, too. I have been writing, and it just keeps coming. Not that this is a bad thing, mind you, but...I didn't expect the scene to be all that long. ::rolls eyes:: I should know better by now, though, shouldn't I? ::laughter:: I do not do short very well, unless we're talking about 100 word drabbles...and I haven't actively tried to do one of those in a while.

Anyway, just thought I'd mention it.
tricksters_queen: dragon in golden light (dragon sun)
So, I was expecting it to be a rainy, miserable day today, as it was kind of bleh out yesterday. However, when I woke up this morning, it was bright and sunny out!! Whoo-hoo!! This makes me happy. (Also, Happy Thanksgiving!)

Saw Hugo last night, and it was pretty awesome. :)

Apparently, however, I don't feel much like posting anything useful. ::laughter::

I am writing a new scene that's taken over my brain, though. Makes me happy. :)
tricksters_queen: Beautiful picture, which looks very much like it's title "darkest night", makes me think of dark dreams. (darkest night)
It gets dark pretty early now, and it's not even at the point of the shortest day. I'm feeling sick right now (anxiety), but I'm posting to lift myself up a bit.

A random aside about Kevin Hearne (The Iron Druid Chronicles author): It would appear that he worships Neil Gaiman. This makes me like him So. Much. MORE! Seriously, it made me squee - which is also a subject brought up in the third book, Hammered. ::laughter:: Seriously. It more than made me smile, it made me laugh out loud happy. Also, there will be another book, so that's good. :)

On the subject of the mixed cd's I've been working on, I have 4 filled up now, but I think I might have a little work yet on the song order of 2 or 3 of them. Still, I'm pretty happy with the progress. Music is a good thing.

Although it won't be possible to write it for NaNoWriMo, I am happy to be working on my "Souls of Winter" story. I've started on the second pov, which is a little more difficult to write, but I think I'm going to like the challenge. I'm still debating if there will be a third pov or not. I'll have to see how the flow of the story goes. If it fits, then yes, if not, then no. :p It is a somewhat convoluted plot, I admit, but if I can pull it off, it should be pretty awesome. :)

It's gonna be a long, crazy, fun weekend. :) Must remember to breathe. :)
tricksters_queen: Taken at an Imogen Heap concert I went to (Lifeline)
I was doing a lot of writing, recently. I finally started reading again, which means the writing will taper off for a bit. I'm currently enjoying the first book in The Iron Druid Chronicles, Hounded, by Kevin Hearne. It's a series that deals mostly with Celtic mythology but, I kid you not, my 2nd favorite trickster, Coyote, is mentioned on page two. Page two! How awesome is that? ::grins:: I have about 4 or 5 stories brewing in my brain, but since I couldn't decide which one to start working on, I decided to start reading again and give myself a break...and a little time to work the creativity out on where to start. :) Hearne's sense of humor has made me laugh out loud, which I love doing when I'm reading a book. Scare the normals, intrigue the not-so-normals, you get the idea.

Other than my reading/writing schtick, I have also been back into music. Thank the Highones for that, I was beginning to worry. I'm working on mixed cd's, and I'm having a blast with it. They are themed, for the most part, which has been not only enjoyable, but entertaining. Having concepts for a musical soundtrack is a lot of fun. Creating titles for those themes? Almost better. I mean, let's see, I did Loki's Lexicon: The Lyrics of Legends & Liars, and completed Venus Aphrodite's Aphrodisiac Volume: Voluptuous Arias & Alluring Vocals. I enjoy alliteration, clearly. Coming up with clever titles is a lot of fun for me. I'm working on a Puck cd, a Coyote one, one for Raven, Mars Ares, Cupid Eros, and Fox, all with interesting titles to go along. Oh, and then there's the Wonderland cd concept I came up with, which has been entirely entertaining in it's own right. It's quite a lot of work, actually...but it's stress-free work, and I've been going at it like I have a fire under me. I've also found 3 new, interesting artists, which always makes me happy.

I think that'll be all for right now. Heading off! :)

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August 2012

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